Write what you can’t not write
“Who do you have in your life that isn’t toxic right now?”
I asked that question. The audacity, right? Little did I know I should’ve asked myself the same.
Who isn’t toxic in my life right now?
Recently, I came across something called The Chameleon Effect.
The chameleon effect refers to nonconscious mimicry of the postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviors of one's interaction partners, such that one's behavior passively and unintentionally changes to match that of others in one's current social environment. (Chartrand and Bargh, 1999)
Please note the words passively and unintentionally.
Toxicity has become somewhat of a buzzword. You’re toxic, he’s toxic, this is toxic. Overused, overzealous, rather contrarian.
Not everything is toxic. Even so-called toxic elements (Mercury, arsenic, cadmium, lead), all have their uses.
I think the more accurate evaluation is to say that some things are toxic to you. It reminds me of the peanut butter analogy my cousin loves to give me. If you’re allergic to it, it’s deadly.
What am I psychologically allergic to? What affects me that may not affect others?
I think it starts with answering a different question: What am I trying to do?
This is crucial. I was once told something in relation to a toxic work environment, and have since applied it to every setting. A toxic work culture is more likely to change you than you are to change it.
I did myself the honour of applying the wisdom across my life. If I’m trying to do something that someone else isn’t trying to do, then our behaviours are going to differ. Theirs may be toxic to me, and no matter how granular the detail is, the overarching logic is the same. They influence you.
No matter how hard headed you are, you’ll become like them. Remember in science, when we learnt about reactions only taking place if there is sufficient activation energy present? Well, look at those same science terms. Decay and chaos are the energetically favourable routes. The don’t require activation energy.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics deals with entropy. Entropy is a measure of disorder, and mathematically, there will always be more disordered possibilities than ordered ones. That T-shirt will land in infinite crumpled ways before it ever lands perfectly folded. Disorder is the default and will only ever increase. Order requires energy. In our everyday lives, this energy comes from ourselves. You have to expend energy.
But sometimes, the required energy is just very sadly not available. Energy isn’t infinite. Let me take you back to the First Law of Thermodynamics. Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It only transforms. This one I don’t want to speak too much on because it will take me far into the unknown, and I don’t have all the answers. But what I do know, is it is hard to keep finding new tidbits of energy to deal with environments that suck it all out of you. Exhausting even.
For some reason, these places operate as closed systems, probably reflective of their own minds. The saving grace I’ve found, is to subject myself to open systems, or places where people are actively seeking order. Actively trying to reach the activation energy needed to move forwards. For some reason, in these places, there is an abundance of energy flowing in. Where it comes from, how it circulates, how we keep it going, I do not know. All I know is it works. It happens.
A recent example:
I spent two weeks in a different space. Here, I was thriving with my morning routines and work schedules. I felt good, motivated. I loved waking up early and getting my breakfast, and looked forward to sitting down and writing. I would do so for hours. I was mainly closed off from most people other than the ones sharing the house with me, and a few friends I would call or text.
Importantly, all these people had energy that rubbed off on me. They were motivated and inspired. Responsible and accountable. Their behaviours matched mine. Our behaviours reflected what we were trying to achieve, different things of course, but the level of responsibility and accountability required were the same and so collectively, we radiated a stimulating order.
I returned on the 8th, in the evening. As soon as I reached my own home, I heard a vocal I had not heard in a very long time and something shifted uncomfortably within me.
For context, I’ve been diagnosed as a HSP (highly sensitive person). Things affect me quite intensely. Noise and sound are the worst.
So, to hear this vocal which is the physical embodiment of everything I am not trying to do
(remember the question? If it makes following easier, you can also rephrase it as ‘What kind of life do you want to live?’),
it vibrated so negatively within me, that it brought up all the things I do not want. Anger, resentment, mental blocks. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout can you grow the f-ck up.
I don’t even swear anymore.
I don’t.
For me, there’s too much negativity attached to cursing and I don’t like it. Yet this instance brought me back to everything I don’t want to be. There is nothing worse than a situation or environment hellbent on bringing you out of character. You have to input colossal amounts of energy to force it to go the other way. And where is all this energy coming from if your environment continuously forces you to expend it and never replenishes it?
This finite source will run out. It is a real anxiety to live in this predicament, to walk a very thin line towards an outcome that you reject. It’s not healthy.
It develops a sense of distrust even with yourself. The ability to maintain your cool and regulate emotions suddenly becomes questionable.
This is the Chameleon Effect playing out.
When I deal with people who instantly turn to aggression and violence, I feel the same emotions rise within me. The knowledge that this is exactly what I don’t want, keeps me from emulating these same behaviours in my life, but that still doesn’t stop me from sometimes responding in the same manner to people who so frequently dish it out. At some stage, you've just had enough.
I tweeted about this recently. There is no difference between these individuals in society, and the nonsense Republicans who earlier this month, stormed the Capitol. No difference. The disease is the same. And if you took offence to that, then this post isn't for you clearly.
Some will say that it’s part of life to learn how to handle adversity. I say put enough pressure on a rock and it gives. Whether that pressure is one massive blow, or pressure sustained over time similar to water breaking through stone… the end result is the same. It crumbles. My personal take on this, is that we need to stop teaching kids how to deal with adversity from others, and instead teach people to not cause it. Treat the root cause, not the symptoms.
So, friends, develop those good habits and those routines as per my previous post. They will become your foundation, but get out as soon as you can, and be brutal with it.
Don’t settle for complainers, abusers, ignorant, petty, selfish, unhygienic (I cannot shout this one loud enough– if they don’t respect themselves or their environments what makes you think they’ll respect anything else?), ick-inducing individuals. Trust me, just don’t. When you get that ick, it sure as hell means something.
And if you are surrounded by them unwillingly, then lead by example. Hold yourself to the highest level of accountability. It won’t change them, but it’ll reinforce for you what you are striving for.
The people you are surrounded by will determine you. Distance (physical, emotional and mental) saves you.
Again, the all-important question is what do you want to be saved from? What life do you want to live? What are you trying to do?
That’s how you filter.
For anyone interested and wanting to explore the topic further, I recently began reading a book on Netflix’s work culture.
Netflix are known to keep only the crème de la crème. Many have argued that this promotes fear and insecurity. I’m only one chapter in, but so far, Reed Hastings (Netflix Founder and CEO) and Erin Meyer (Business Professor at INSEAD) have considered how one individual can affect an entire group of high achievers’ performance, and no, not in a good way. Being top of your game is a collaborative effort, requiring equally stunning individuals.
I was initially going to name this piece the people you surround yourself with, but later acknowledged that not all of us are able to pick and choose at all levels of our lives. Hopefully, as time goes on and independence grows, we can all take full control of that aspect.
Wishing you all a happy Friday and weekend, team.
All the love always,
S.
Comments