Of course, it is. It will always easier to run. Before I get into this, if you haven’t already done so, I highly recommend watching Onward on Disney+, and if you want to be hit with the maximum feels, then watch the corresponding #InsidePixar episode beforehand. I promise you, it’s beautiful. Pure magic.
Human beings. We do more to avoid pain than we do to feel joy. We’re comfortable that way. We run from dream jobs, dream lives and spend our days justifying this to the world.
If you’ve been following the YouTube videos, you’ll know I’m rekindling a friendship. No word of a lie, I want to run most of the time. It is top 10 most challenging things I’ve come across. I’m still struggling to understand where I stand and what I want from this. When you have really high expectations of people, relationships are by default, hard.
Then why don’t you just leave it?
Well then that would be running, no? Forgiving someone is one of the most perplexing things (mentally) to do. That doesn’t mean you don’t forgive them. There are difficult conversations that come with it, but by closing myself off, then I’m not giving anyone an opportunity to have those conversations. Just like Ian wasn’t giving Barley an opportunity to be right (Onward). Giving people chances once they’ve already hurt you is hard.
Many of you who personally know me will know that my dad and I do not have a good relationship. Watching Onward made me feel sad because well… I see myself as an Ian. However, my second reality is that I spend a lot of time being a Barley to people. Dear people with children, please learn to be real parents.
Guys, people are always going to hurt you. It happens. If you run every time it happens, you’ll always be running. At some point you have to stop. You’ll trudge through cold, murky waters and probably even fight off a few dragons and manticores. You’re going to come out the other side and nope, you haven’t reached The Phoenix gem yet. You’re going to be forced to pick bravery every time. It’s not a one-time thing.
Onward wasn’t about Ian seeing his dad. It was about Ian realising how important Barley was, and understanding that Barely too, had wounds. Worse, Barley didn’t have anyone to share them with. The treasure is never material in real hero stories. Never. So, beyond those 24 hours, Ian gained something truly special. He gained a relationship with his brother. Equal give and take. Onward, like Soul, is spectacular storytelling.
As I’m writing this and attempting to hit my target today, I can hear nonsense in my house. My first instinct is to run from this piece. To close the document, justify it by saying the energies are weird, and calling it a day. Except, I’ve done that too many times. It’s becoming detrimental to my advancement. If a situation isn’t going to change, then you need to make a change.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. –Albert Einstein
In a quest, you have to use what you’ve got. –Barley Lightfoot
Insanity would be to close this document and hope things are different tomorrow. They won’t be. For my quest, what I have right now is a functioning Mac, fingers that can type, and a brain that can still spew words out, even if they’re trash. So that’s what I’m doing. Spewing words out and entering the battle zone. It’s all I’ve got right now.
What else am I running from?
I’m running from this thing that I think about every day. I don’t quite know what to do about it. I know the first step is to put pen to paper to get to the crux of it, but I am terrified of what I’ll find on that page. I’m terrified of having to deal with it. In true human fashion, I’m running.
But do you know what you can’t run from? You can’t run from the knowledge that you are running. And if that isn’t the most twisted thing consciousness has ever done to us, then please, do let me know what is.
You’ll run, until one of two things make you stop running. The first is regret catching up to you. The second is you just stop running. The second tends to occur only after we’ve experienced the first and decide it’s far too painful. Remember, humans are wired to avoid pain, not chase joy. It took Barley regretting never saying goodbye to his dad, to promise himself he’d never be scared again.
Would it not be easier to learn from other people’s mistakes in this one instance, before we all have the regrets we can’t change? And if we already have those, is it not better to teach our young ones to be brave before they blunder the same way we did?
This is now the next day. I’ve put pen to paper. As predicted, the waterworks began. And in line with what I knew would happen, I’m looking at a new predicament. What do I do now with this page? I've stuffed it in a book and ran from it, which clearly hasn't helped because I know I'm running. At some point, I'll have to face it again.
The feeling never changes. For all the times you go through this process, you can’t change how it feels to be looking at a path you’ve never taken and the uncertainty that comes with it.
I hope you're all looking after yourselves and taking it easy. I know this third lockdown is being tough for a lot of us. Stay strong folks and if anyone ever wants to talk, send me a message on Twitter. I've been feeling it too.
All the love always,
S.
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